Chapter 3: The Crustacean Catastrophe<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d I asked, my voice dangerously calm.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom likes lobster!\u201d Daniel cried defensively.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy are they currently breathing our air?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey were on sale! They were cheaper this way!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDaniel, that is universally how live seafood pricing functions.\u201d<\/p>\n
He gestured wildly at the counter. \u201cI thought the guy behind the glass was going to\u2026 handle them!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHandle them? How? Interrogate them? Give them a pep talk?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know! Make them less alive before bagging them!\u201d<\/p>\n
I had to turn my face toward the refrigerator because my chest was shaking with suppressed laughter. \u201cWhat exactly is your action plan here?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m going to cook them!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIn what?\u201d<\/p>\n
He pointed a trembling finger toward our largest aluminum stockpot on the back burner. \u201cThat pot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat pot accommodates a maximum of two lobsters, Daniel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe have six.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am aware of the inventory.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy did I buy six?!\u201d he wailed, running a flour-covered hand through his hair.<\/p>\n
He had bought six because three years ago, during a particularly lavish Christmas dinner, Patricia had loudly decreed that \u201cone whole lobster per adult is the only civilized ratio.\u201d This was despite the fact that Frank, a man of simple pleasures, actively despised lobster and would have traded his soul for a slice of meatloaf.<\/p>\n
Tragically, while attempting to formulate a battle strategy, Daniel had unceremoniously dumped all six living creatures into the deep basin of the sink, assuming it was a secure holding cell. He then pivoted to address his boiling potatoes and smoking bread.<\/p>\n
This was a fatal tactical error. Lobsters do not respect porcelain boundaries.<\/p>\n
By one o\u2019clock, a full-scale prison break had occurred. Three of the beasts had successfully scaled the slick walls of the sink and dropped onto the floor.<\/p>\n
One had aggressively barricaded itself behind the toaster oven. Another was defensively positioned beneath the rolling utility cart near the walk-in pantry. The third had vanished entirely into the dark recesses of the kitchen architecture.<\/p>\n
Daniel was on his hands and knees, peering frantically under the toe-kicks of the base cabinets. \u201cWhere did it go?!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have officially lost a lobster, Daniel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt moved exponentially faster than I anticipated!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have engineered a seafood fugitive.\u201d<\/p>\n
He glared up at me from the floor tiles. \u201cThis isn\u2019t funny, Esme!\u201d<\/p>\n
It was, in fact, the funniest thing I had witnessed in my entire adult life.<\/p>\n
Then, the doorbell chimed. A crisp, cheerful, doom-laden melody.<\/p>\n
Daniel froze on the floor, the color draining from his face. \u201cMy parents,\u201d he whispered. \u201cYou have to help me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEsme, please!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI cannot, Daniel. Half my paycheck is currently securing organic bamboo diapers for your sister. My labor is spoken for.\u201d<\/p>\n
The doorbell rang again, more insistent this time. Then, Patricia\u2019s shrill voice penetrated the heavy oak of the front door. \u201cDaniel! Esme! Open up!\u201d<\/p>\n
Daniel scrambled to his feet, dusting flour off his knees. \u201cJust\u2026 just keep Mom out of the kitchen! Stall her!\u201d<\/p>\n
I walked gracefully down the hallway toward the foyer. But before my hand could grasp the brass knob, the door swung inward. Patricia possessed a spare key for \u201cabsolute emergencies.\u201d Apparently, a two-minute delay to lunch met the criteria.<\/p>\n
She swept into the entryway like royalty arriving at a colony. She was adorned in pristine, tailored white linen trousers, a pale pink silk blouse, oversized tortoiseshell sunglasses, and a Herm\u00e8s scarf knotted tightly at her throat. Trailing behind her like a burdened pack mule was Frank, dutifully clutching a bottle of chilled Chardonnay.<\/p>\n
And parked directly at the base of our driveway, perfectly framed in the open doorway, idled an enormous, gleaming white SUV. The tinted driver\u2019s side window hummed down to reveal Beverly Watkins.<\/p>\n
Beverly leaned out, a sickly-sweet smile plastered on her face. \u201cDo have a truly wonderful private culinary experience, Patricia! Do let me know if the chef\u2019s narrative meets your standards!\u201d<\/p>\n
Patricia turned on her heel and offered a rigid, royal wave. \u201cWe invariably do, Beverly!\u201d<\/p>\n
She slammed the door shut and instantly hissed, \u201cThat woman is an absolute pathogen.\u201d<\/p>\n
Frank sighed, thrusting the cold bottle of wine into my hands. \u201cI wanted to pick up a six-pack of lager, but your mother-in-law informed me that beer is an insult to lobster.\u201d<\/p>\n
I shot Patricia a sharp look. \u201cHow did you know there was lobster on the menu?\u201d<\/p>\n
Patricia offered a smug, self-satisfied smile. \u201cDaniel texted me from the store, begging to know what I desired. Naturally, I demanded the sea\u2019s finest.\u201d Then, she paused. Her surgically enhanced nose twitched as she inhaled the ambient air of the house. The smug smile evaporated. \u201cWhat in god\u2019s name is that acrid odor?\u201d<\/p>\n
From the depths of the kitchen, a tremendous metallic crash echoed, followed by Daniel screaming, \u201cI\u2019M FINE! EVERYTHING IS FINE!\u201d<\/p>\n
Patricia\u2019s eyes narrowed into slits of pure suspicion. \u201cWhere exactly is the private chef Daniel hired?\u201d<\/p>\n
I couldn\u2019t help it. I laughed.<\/p>\n
Patricia realized I was laughing, and her suspicion calcified into genuine alarm. \u201cOh, dear lord. Another crash.\u201d<\/p>\n
She bypassed me entirely, her white leather wedges clicking ominously on the hardwood as she marched toward the kitchen.<\/p>\n
I almost stopped her. My hand twitched toward her arm. But then I remembered Wednesday night. The calculator. The envelopes. The comfort is over.<\/p>\n
I lowered my hand and let her walk into the ambush.<\/p>\n
Patricia pushed open the heavy swinging door to the kitchen.<\/p>\n
For perhaps two full seconds, there was absolute, unbroken silence.<\/p>\n
Then, Patricia screamed.<\/p>\n
Will the fugitive lobster claim its first victim before lunch is even served?
\n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Chapter 3: The Crustacean Catastrophe \u201cWhy?\u201d I asked, my voice dangerously calm. \u201cMom likes lobster!\u201d Daniel cried defensively. \u201cWhy are they currently breathing our air?\u201d \u201cThey were on sale! They … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":13132,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13129","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-family-drama-stories"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/redditlovers.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13129","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/redditlovers.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/redditlovers.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redditlovers.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redditlovers.live\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=13129"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/redditlovers.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13129\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13135,"href":"https:\/\/redditlovers.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13129\/revisions\/13135"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redditlovers.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/13132"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/redditlovers.live\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=13129"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redditlovers.live\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=13129"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redditlovers.live\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=13129"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}